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This time, I decided to talk about abuse since this is a problem that hapens to women, even men, all over the world. It may be happening to your neighbor, behind the closed doors but you are not aware. There are two types of abuse, verbal and physical. I will concentrate on a verbal/emotional abuse, because it affects people in a worst way than physical. When someone abused psychically wounds are healed but with emotional abuse wounds are taking too long to heal and some may not heal. Those emotional wounds are so deep that adverse effects of it take too long to wear off. It affects not only someone’s health as well as the emotional state of mind, relationship with others as well as behavior. That's why, I had a very interesting and honest dialogue with myself, forming a QAF for the thoughts we all have on the causes of the abuse.
Q: So what is emotional abuse and what is happening during it?
A: Emotional abuse is when someone bullies the victim by telling the words that affect emotionally or purposely ignoring the victim as well as constantly putting him/her down.
For example, abusive partners may curse the victim almost every day. Make them feel bad about themselves. No matter what the victims do it would never be good enough for abusers. They will try to low down victim’s self-confidence, self-esteem and never see anything good in her/him. As well as make partner look bad even in front of their children. For example bully may say to his child, “your mother is stupid ,she doesn’t know how to do the things right way”. May use the following words “you are dummy, stupid, you will eat from a garbage bin, no one will hire you, you will be zero or will not survive without me. They will try to put fears in partners and make them financially depended on them in order to control and manipulate the victims.
Victims of abuse will get so fearful and frustrated that they will feel stuck in a rut. Being manipulated as well as controlled will turn survivors into anxious, frustrated, hurt, dependent person. Because of being constantly, emotionally hurt the victims’ hearts would be filed with anger and they may fall into depression.
Q: Why do people abuse partners?
A: Sometimes they may abuse partners because they are not happy with whom they are. Hence abusing partner will make them feel powerful and good about themselves. Some of them themselves were abused in the childhood or had negative childhood traumas. Drinking too much alcohol can also affect abuser’s mind pushing him/her to abuse the partner. Stressful life as well as impatience or mind illness can turn them into abusers. However while being at home abusive most of them manage to build a false image of themselves as a charming leader, loving partner or friend. Thereby they manage to conceal their abusive personality from others. Consequently, most abuses are happening behind the closed doors. Where only victims know about it.
Q: Why many victims stay with abuser instead of getting out?
A: Emotional abuse is so horrible that it takes away persons’ self believe and makes him/her hopeless and full of fears. For example, victims afraid to stay alone with no money, support, job or place to go. However, mothers stay with abuser also because of children. They worry that they will not be able to give their children a comfortable life or basic needs such as shelter, food, clothes, and education. Sometimes do not want to leave children without father/mother.
Q: What is solution to this problem?
A: Women suffer and if there are children they suffer too. Children know when something wrong in the family. They can feel when their parent upset or unhappy. Sometimes abused parent may shout at them because she/he feels frustrated and unhappy. So children may live in unhealthy atmosphere where parents quarrelling often and this can affect their behavior. Seeing parent getting abused can turn child into dysfunctional partner of parent in the future.
The best solution is to take children and leave once it is known that abuser cannot be changed. It doesn’t make a sense to stay in unhealthy relationship and I don’t think the kids will be happy in this kind atmosphere. Victims of abuse you have a right for a basic needs such as love, respect, good self-esteem. Believe in yourself, stop living in a fears and stand up for your rights. Put all your worries into God’s hands and start making steps in order to get out of abuse, heal and forgive. You deserve to be treated with love and respect so don’t waste your whole life by staying with someone who abuses you.
Before making any decisions think carefully and have a good planning. If you are educated then start looking for a job and if you are uneducated then enrolled into some educational programs that will give you new skills and thereafter a job. With the job you will feel more confident and will be able to take care of your kids if you have any if you decide to divorce your abusive partner.
Remember you are not alone but God is with you and he loves you. Turn to him for a help and healing but at the same time act as a change agent making every right step in order to get out of abuse. My dear readers do not forget to review my Novel Broken Chains at this LINK. This novel will allow you to see how women deal with abuse as well as will help many to change their lives. Please like also my page on Facebook HERE.
In e-Charity.gr magazine, we've interviewed psychologist Azzem Dana, in order to get his advice on how to deal with effects of abuse. Azeem Dana is a visiting Psychologist and Hypnotherapist at Brahmakumaris Trauma Care Centre at Mount Abu, Rajasthan, India. He is a Certified Basic and Advance Pranic Healer, Pranic Psychotherapist, Past Life regressionist, Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP-USA) Practitioner and trained in Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT). He is also certified from Hypnosis Motivation Institute, California – U.S.A.
As a Psychologist and Certified Clinical hypnotherapist, Azeem has the education and the experience necessary to help people in several areas including overcoming emotions, relieving from childhood traumas, overcoming fears and phobias, weight management, smoking cessation, stress management, sports excellence, exam anxieties and relationship issues to name a few.
He is author of the International Best Seller “Instant Healing”, appears in the following links:
Emiliya Ahmadova: Mr.Azeem, as you know, many people are in some way are getting abused daily, and it affects their state of mind. How can the victim gain back their self-esteem and confidence? What would you advise to those who are still living with abusers?
Mr. Azeem Dana: In Counselling we cannot generalize. The solution has to be found out based on particular situation. And it is true that every issue can be sorted out with a solution. In the case of abuse, it is nothing but part of personality or behaviour. Personality is influenced by psychological, biological and social factors and hence, we call personality is a learned behavior, and whatever a person has learned can either be re-learned or unlearned.
In the case of the victim to maintain self esteem, the victim should understand the psychological, biological and social factors from both the end, of being a victim and from the end of abuser. If the Boss or a Relative is abusing, find out the cause for his or her outrage. One reason can be, that the person is not educated, ie., not knowing what he or she does, or it can be that they are brought-up in such a way influenced by psycho-bio-social factors or it can be the pressure created by others or can be some sort of illness. As a victim, once I understand the abuser, find out what makes me a victim of abuse. Whether I do not remain assertive due to lack of communication skills - like using questions of what, where, when, how and with whom - to know exactly what other person mean to say or what they expect me to do. Or do I have to get trained in coping skills, so that I can fulfill my responsibility in a better way and if required I can undergo the training to enhance my skills. Or find out if I have to learn time management or share responsibilities, or it can be simply that I have to voice my concern, that is to speak out rather than suffering within, so that the other person understands my concerns better.
E.A.: Constantly being abused builds anger and it affects the victim’s emotional state , behavior, as well as health. What are the ways of dealing with anger, depression and fears?
Mr. Azeem Dana: To deal with anger, fear and depression, I should understand that any emotion that I express is not there just because of current situation. It is a repeated pattern of expression that I have been expressing throughout my life at various situations since my childhood days. So, to deal with any particular emotion, I should know about, or write down, my complete life history and identify the various situations of my life that made me to experience this particular emotion or anger. Then I have to find out the psychological, biological and social factors that made me to experience that particular emotion repeatedly from my childhood days. Once knowing them, find out what is that inner strength or ability that I was lacking to deal with that particular emotion. Then work on to develop that quality within myself. Meditation - Practicing silence of mind by relaxing the physical body- helps to overcome any type of depression, fear and anger by strengthening our mind and will-power.
E.A.: Is there anything a victim can do in order to believe in their abilities, love themselves, as well as get rid of other effects of emotional abuse?
Mr. Azeem Dana: The effects of abuse can be overcome by knowing that personality is nothing but a learned behavior, and whenever we want we can change our personality with the help of knowledge – understanding of self and others gained by using our logical mind, will power – to maintain the desire for change, acceptance – without any guilt feelings of whatever has happened in the past, patience - giving time for change, hope, determination, love for self and others.
Even if we do not have control over the stressors – person, place, situations - or the abusers, still we can deal with them when we remember our own inner abilities and strengths, when we have faith in our own self, when we are able to maintain our self respect. To remember this at the time of need, every day morning and evening, practice simple visualization or imagination of own strengths and abilities that are appreciated by our parents, relatives, friends since our childhood days to till date. The victim can also visualize and see in their mind how they are dealing with their abuser maintaining their self-esteem.
E.A.: Is there anything an abuse victim can do stop being abused? How can one turn off the abusive impulses of one's abuser?
Mr. Azeem Dana: Instead of dealing with the situation by seeing one as a victim and other as an abuser, focus on the cause and solutions. Instead of reacting by revenge, respond to the situations using the logical sense of mind. The points to remember is:
1. Try to understand using logical mind - understand the abuser and own self.
2. If the abuser is not really an abuser but has real reason, try to make him or her understand, and if required, try to improve the self.
3. If you find, the abuser is really an abuser, for his own reasons like illness or when you feel out of your control, speak out being assertive or act finding a new job, complaining to police, complaining to mental hospital or move away from the abuser.
4. Forgive the abuser and remove the victim attitude from the self, learn from the past to begin a better future by adding coping abilities to the self.
To keep in touch and have contact with Dr. Azeem Dana
Email:[email protected]
Whatsup: 0091-8285984476
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